Personal posts, Well Being & Mental Health

Dear Mum (part 4)

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I didn’t realise how much of you there is in me until I saw this picture… Me now is the spitting image of you then ❤

Today marks 4 years since you left this world. 4 years since you last texted me, or told me you loved me. It’s weird, 4 years seems like such a long time, but it also feels like no time at all. For those 4 years you have been dead, I have lived. I have cried, screamed, laughed, talked, drank, ate, danced, and ran. I have had 4 birthdays, 4 Christmases, 4 summers,  and 4 New Years without you. I graduated from university, spoke in front of over 700 people, got several jobs, travelled to France, moved technically 8 times(!) have loved, and been loved in return, made friends, reconnected with old ones, and figured out who the important people in my life are.

I kept saying I’d moved forward, and that I had ‘got through the worst of it’ and for a long time that wasn’t really true, it was just what I told people (and myself) in order to keep going. But now I honestly feel I’m starting a new chapter. I’ve finally turned the page, and whilst I will always hold onto your memory, and always feel your absence, it’s become a scar now rather than a wound. I am learning to appreciate the good things in life, big and small, to make good things happen, and to deal with the not so good parts a little better too.

Life has a funny way of working out, and I’m realising that usually things happen how they’re supposed to. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have started this blog, and whilst it hasn’t exactly ‘taken off’ I know I wouldn’t be doing the work I am now without it. Because of you, I faced my demons head on, and merely blinked when they tried to make me tremble. I have learned to be happy by going through the worst pain and sadness, and I appreciate true friendship and love because I lost the first love I ever knew.

Losing a parent just as you’re becoming an adult yourself is weird, because it sets you back in your journey. Instead of figuring out my tax code and applying for grad jobs, I just wanted to curl into a ball and watch YouTube videos whilst eating pizza (though I still stand by that as a life choice.) When most of my friends were graduating from uni I was growing tired of having to be responsible for myself, and wished that I could opt out of the whole grown up thing. I was lost, suddenly untethered from the reality which I had known for 21 years. Imagine sitting in a boat, in the middle of the ocean at night, with only a compass to guide your way. Then imagine the boat tips upside-down and you lose your compass. That was what losing you felt like. I was already stranded in the dark sea, but something was keeping me afloat. Little did I know once I learned to swim I’d find land.

Now I’m back in London, where I belong, surrounded by amazing people, living the life I dreamed of growing up. I’m just about to start a new job – the day I got the news that I’d been chosen I so desperately wanted to call and tell you. I could imagine your voice, telling me how happy you were, and how proud of me for keeping going. Even though I couldn’t pick up the phone, I know you were letting me know ❤ I will always love you and miss you, but I know that you wouldn’t want me to live with my life on hold. So I go bravely onwards, knowing you would be proud of the woman I’ve become, and grateful for all that you taught me about life.

 

4 thoughts on “Dear Mum (part 4)”

  1. Oh Jenny, this really brought a tear to my eye. You’ve accomplished so much over the past few years and your path has led you to exactly where you’re supposed to be right now. Your mum is looking down on you with a smile and a good ache in her heart because she’d be so proud of you. Keep smiling and keep doing what you’re doing.

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